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| today i think i felt for the first time what it meant to have God's heart...
i was sitting on the bus and these two people came on. i'm not sure if they were a couple or not but by would like to think so because of they way they were interacting with each other. they were arguing about something. and the guy was super angry talking about wanting to kill this other guy. he kept saying "i swear i'm going to kill him the next time i see him. he really believed that that was the solution. the girl on the other hand was upset about something. something more than the fact that if the guy sitting next to her killed the other guy that they both knew he would go to prison for life. from the snippets of conversation i heard, the girl was hurt somehow by the guy they both were talking about. she eventually started crying. as the bus ride progressed and i had the overwhelming urge to pray for both of them. mainly for her. the sense of urgency for their wellbeing came over me and i immediately started praying. it was insane because i didn't know who they were or anything about them. i didn't even interact with them in anyway but i loved them and i wanted them to both forgive and recieve healing from God. i don't know. it was pretty intense.
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| you know, life could be so easy if one just wussed out and went into hiding. but then again, that's never the correct option to chose in life. just sometimes, i wish that i wasn't programed to over think the future. there's so much potential for failure and i get stuck over thinking that thought.
i keep thinking... maybe i should be praying more. or praying harder. or something.
it was nice going to a different church last night. two of the sisters from that church prayed over me and her prayer really reminded me, it's not about praying more or harder. just pray.
but i think i expect too much. maybe if i didn't over think things i wouldn't expect so much. but if i didn't expect so much, am i just settling for less? isn't settling a bad thing? there's so much potential out there for greater things and yet it seems like expecting things just causes stress.
it's funny because according to my old supervisor, my natural disposition is just "stressed." he portrayed me a such a spaz and yet, in the end, it's funny but sadly true because i really do act like that sometimes.... or maybe even more often than not.
and then i think, maybe i could just detach myself from situations. but then the question is, where is the love in that? it's not about how you do things or what's going on. it's about spreading the love to one another. but detachment seems so much easier because then the potential to get disappointed or hurt is never there.
it would probably be better for me if i didn't think so much or think so hard about things. maybe i shouldn't be given the time to be left alone with my thoughts. or maybe i just shouldn't think about these things so much. but what do i do then? i just can't not think.
solution? meditate. no not meditation like those people who empty their mind of everything and become empty vessels. that has potential to give room to other things to come in. what then should be meditated on then?
two words: GOD'S WORD
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. - 2 Timothy 1:7
i am to fear not because with God, i can do anything. i am more than a conquerer. i've been sent to love not just blindly do things. and most of all i can claim the discipline to place my focus where it needs to be. God.
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| Rain, rain on my face
It hasn't stopped raining for days
My world is a flood
Slowly I become one with the mud
Chorus:
But if I cant swim after forty days
And my mind is crushed by the thrashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me up
Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - keep me from drowning again
Downpour on my soul
Splashing in the ocean, I'm losing control
Dark sky all around
I cant feel my feet touching the ground
[chorus]
Calm the storms that drench my eyes
Dry the streams still flowing
Cast down all the waves of sin
And guilt that overthrow me
[chorus]
Lift me up - when I'm falling
Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up - I need you to hold me
Lift me up - keep me from drowning again
gotta focus... gotta fight... gotta pray
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| i look at all my notes in front of me and realize how little i understand compared to how much effort i put into this class and there is an overwhelming desire to throw a tantrum... take my books and notes and throw it in different directions and then run all over the place screaming psychotically.
in the midst of all this, i must remind myself to not revert back to the old caroline. when things don't look good and i'm expecting the worst, i'm supposed to focus not freak out. focus on what exactly? well contrary to what most would think, the focus is not going to be on my schoolwork. why? because it would probably drive me more insane and over the edge if things don't go the way i wish they would in the end. what i must constantly remind myself is that the focus needs to be on God. He's the only one who can calm me and give me clarity when i study. if my focus is on Him, He will help me focus on my school work. how then is this possible? i must claim his promises and surrender all to Him.
4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Phil 4: 4-7
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in
him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13 For whatever things were written before were written for our learning,
that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have
hope.
Romans 15: 4
i guess typing this is a break from studying... but i kinda took a break from everything and spent some time reading Psalms 107. I'm a little more calm. God is good. He cares, He loves, and He comforts.
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| God seriously is an awesome provider...
ever since it sank in that i really am going to be on servant team next year as seekers ministry person (coordinator?) i've been thinking a lot about what it might mean to be in that role of leadership. what does it mean to have a seekers ministry. what will i do?
i feel like this year when i started up seekers, although it has been something on my mind and heart for a long time, it wasn't very carefully planned out. i was just kind of kicked into that position. honestly tho, i guess it was a good thing because i would never have really done it if i wasn't "forced" to. i would have just continued to hide in the shadows waiting for someone else to step into the role that i saw the need for. but the whole time i've been doing this seekers ministry thing this year, i've had no idea what in the world i was doing.
God knowing my anxieties about next year, really showed that i really have nothing to worry about. i have time and i'm going to learn from people. So who in the world was i going to learn from if no one in aacf has ever done seekers ministry?
Funny thing. When applying for LTC scholarship, i guess i should have specified that i was from ucsb. however i didn't. but God totally used that situation for good. see the thing is, the person in charge of ltc stuff thought i was from riverside and so had the staffer from UCR call me to talk to me about the scholarship. the conversation with the staffer from ucr was pretty funny because it went along the lines of...
ucr staffer: do you know who i am?
me: not really
ucr staffer: this is warren hino.. i'm the staffer for ucr... do you know who i am?
me: you are warren hino , the staffer for ucr
ucr staffer: you don't really know me do you...
me: not really...
but that didn't really stop me from talking to him and whatnot. somehow we ended up on the topic of what area of ministry i would be serving in. i told him i was going to be in charge of seekers ministry next year. the cool thing was that was the area he served in when he was back in aacf and so i got to ask him what it meant to be seekers ministry or have seekers ministry. i'm excited to meet him at ltc and find out more about this seekers ministry thing.
Another thing. cathy and I went to intervarsity on friday. it was kinda cool just going to a different fellowship and fellowshiping with brothers and sisters in Christ that i've never met before. the people there are really friendly and at the end of the large group meeting, they kinda announced that there were sisters from aacf visiting and to go say hi. so then a whole bunch of people come introduce themselves to cathy and i. so then this one guy i was talking to him about different things about fellowships and having more interaction between fellowship and what ministry i was doing and how i wanted to see that ministry extend further than just aacf. and so it turns out, he is also doing seekers ministry next year. super cool. so i got his contact info. so excited. i get to meet up and talk w/ him on what seekers ministry means.
so yea. God provides. no need to worry about all these things. i already have two people i can and am going to talk to about what seekers ministry means and God will just continue to teach me as i continue to seek Him for more direction. this is getting exciting.
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